THE GUY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING POLITICS

may contain very strong language, offencive terms and crude humour


previously on THE BOUT TO KNOCK THE OTHER GUY OUT MAYORAL ELECTIONS

(CARLOS, BNP) multiculturalism had created a division, a prime example is 2011's riots

(BORIS, TORRIE) YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR! STOP FUCKING LYING! 

(KEN, LABOUR) Boris avoids income tax too via private income tax company's

(THE GUY) David is a fuck turd and his wife is a Eton VILLAGE bike
(Dennis Hopper) man holds a cop hostage, with enough dynamite strapped to his chest, to blow a building in half, now WHAT DO YOU DO, JACK
(Paddick, Lib Dem) oh, come on jenny, I'm new, it's my turn!
(Jenny) shut up, pad'dick', more like pad'locked' closet
(BBC News Guy) will the association of conservative MP's and News Corporation affect the conservatives chances?
(Boris) dunno
(Paddick) we deserve more then the 'Punch and Judy' politics that has let our city down for so long, we need change! now if you excuse me, Gilmore girls is about to start!
(Reverend Robert West, BNP Supporter) we need strong leadership to protect our national identity from the 

threat of Islam

(Patrick Heneghan, Labour Supporter) Ken will resign if he doesn't keep his promise to freeze fares below inflation for 2013
(The Guy) Boris is only 3% in front of Ken, this is a close one

                                      LIVINGSTONE - JOHNSON - PADDICK - JONES 
                                                                              IN

   WITH HIGH OCTANE RESULTS AND EXPLOSIVE STATS

   (Actually, the results and stats are as boring as watching your nan sleep)

7 DAYS AGO
4 MAY 2012, 4:53PM


It was a regular British day, moody weather, people swearing at each other, the smell of the local Gregg's sent shivers down ones spine. i was holding a cup of coffee, eating a doughnut while watching a theatrical attempt to explain the elections by the BBC news team, that plonker must of felt like Morpheus standing on that glass green screen floor, pointing at the voting county's with the balls of his feet, yeah real cool but i was still wondering who was going to win, will it be a usual political party win or a independent win? (fat chance) will it be the Under - Evolved Boris or The Highly-Tearful Ken.

10:32 PM
The race was over, results were in, voting now will not be counted but may still be charged,
The winner of the Mayoral Elections 2012 is............(a Ant and Dec BGT pause)................................... Boris Johnson? Yay? (sarcasim)

we now come back to 

Today, May 10th, 2012 

were he has had first week into his second term, offering yet another chance to publicly display he unique mayoral ways via Ungracefully Jumping On a Bike,

Mark Ronson ft Boris Johnson - The Bike Song 

Yawning In Parliament like a Horny Chimpanzee,

no i'm not yawing, i am just doing my own version of 'The Scream'

Embarrassingly waving the flag for London at the Beijing games 2008,

don't just sit there, help me!

doing his increadible hulk impersonations,

I throw thing, at you if you make me angry

or ramming on about new bullshit way's to spunk cash on transport models when he should be thinking about travel routes and how will people and torists integrate when getting around during the billion pound (out of your pocket) London 2012 games with a logo that looks like it's been designed by a blind guy with muscular dystrophy, but there are four good things about bulldog boris winning.

• David Cameron's public apology to his party for the humiliating loss of seats
• if the Mayan Calender is correct, Boris won't fill a whole second term
• The Lib Dem's Disastrous Annihilation
• also i get to say all kinds of things in my blog about the butt-cheeks that now run our city, venting my rage of the 77 minutes i wasted voting that i won't get back nor will i even get a thank you 

                                                                                                               

 Mayor of London

 Boris Johnson 

(Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson)

Conservative Party

PARTY REPRESENTATION 

                                  

LONDON ASSEMBLY

Barnet and Camden:            Andrew Hartley Dismore, Labour Party Candidate

Bexley and Bromley:            James Spencer Cleverly, The Conservative Party Candidate

Brent and Harrow:               Navin Shah, Labour Party Candidate

City and East:                     John Robert Biggs, Labour Party Candidate

Croydon and Sutton:            Stephen John O'Connell, The Conservative Party Candidate

Ealing and Hillingdon:            Onkar Singh Sahota, Labour Party Candidate

Enfield and Haringey:            Joanne McCartney, Labour Party Candidate

Greenwich and Lewisham:     Len Duvall, Labour Party Candidate

Havering and Redbridge:     Roger Evans, The Conservative Party Candidate

Lambeth and Southwark:     Val Shawcross, Labour Party Candidate

Merton and Wandsworth:     Richard Patrick Tracey, The Conservative Party Candidate

North East:                     Jennette Arnold, Labour Party Candidate

South West:                     Tony Arbour, The Conservative Party Candidate

West Central:                     Kit Malthouse, The Conservative Party Candidate

Mayoral Election Stats

Siobhan Benita - Inderpendent - First Choice Votes  83914 - Second Choice Votes 212412

Carlos (Twat) Cortiglia - BNP - First Choice 28751 - Second Choice 73353

i bet those voters hate colored folk

Bull Dog Boris Johnson - Torries - First Choice 971931 - Second Choice 253709

Ken Livingstone - Labour - First Choice 889918 - Second Choice 335398

Jenny Jones - Green Party - First Choice 98913 - Second Choice 363193

Brian Paddick - Lib Dem - First Choice 91774 - Second Choice 363692

Lawrence Webb (Ger?) - UKIP - First Choice 43274 - Second Choice 161252

okay that's the boring stats done, now time to delve further into the highlights of this election

well for one,besides Boris going on and on about how he'll change london for the better and how britan's future is bright under his guidence (he must think we have the word 'CUNT' written across our heads) Ken Livingstone announced his retirement after the election, some people are claiming he's just a bad sport, but i believe he would of resigned anyway even if he won, he's an old guy now, an old guy who saved your children from poisonous diesel fumes by introducing the congestion charge, cut him some slack people. also did anyone else know Brain Paddick likes Dick? no i'm not a homophobe it's just a pun!

MAN-LOVE with paddick (right) and husband Petter (left)

apparently he's been gay for a while, i just googled it 7 days ago and i saw results dating to september 15 2008, i had no idea who he was till four weeks ago.

he stated his marriage on live television during the speeches by mayoral elects after boris was crowed queen

so he would rather this....

Turn on, mr paddick (Mark Wright)

                                 

                                                                        instead of this?

Turn Off Mr Paddick (Beyonce)

           

whatever float's your boat dude moving on, is it just me or is this election full of innuendo, from paddick to sex shops, yeah you heard me sex shops, Jenny Jones of the green party was spotted outside of nortorious     

sex shop Madison Kiss Kiss in soho, something your not telling us Miss Jones

The Devil In Miss Jones, Leaving the scene (above)

                                                          

so that's is that, Boris Johnson is Mayor once more, (go ahead throw you vote's away, your loss jackasses!)

Ken Livingstone has retired from the labour party, the BNP are 100% pure racist and fascist, Jenny Jones has a unclean side of herself that she doesn't want to be known, Brain Paddick is gay, Boris has a very angry side and the other two mayor elects are not important or interesting enough to be included on this blog and with a name like Lawrence Webb, you can't blame me! 

Voting can be a interesting little thing, can't it! 

NEXT TIME ON THE GUY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVNG POLITICS

We will look at the US President elections and the Cinderella story battle between OBAMA AND ROMNEY also we will look at the incoming end to this fuck-up of a collistion when the prime-minster elections take place

all of that coming soon on THE GUY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING POLITICS

see ya

The Guy

SPEED (C) 1994 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corparation

Remastered Edition on DVD and Blu Ray now

(c) 2011 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment

special thanks to : The Independent / Daily Mail / This Is London.com / London Elects.com

Sony BMG Music / Columbia Music / Lime Pictures / BBC / Warner Bros Pictures

(c) 2012 The Guy

The Guy's Guide to Surviving Politics

this may contain strong language and possible offensive factual terms

Greetings Travelers
The Guy is here, angry as hell and twice as ugly, I've been on holiday and i plan to retreat soon, i just needed something to get off my massively sexy chest (lies).

Now cussing David Cameron and his bitch Nick Clegg is the 'IT' thing since those bell-ends came (no pun)
into power in 2010, don't get me wrong, nothing makes me smile more then saying ' David is a fuckturd and his wife is a eton bike' that and fat people falling over

I HAVE FALLEN, AND I CAN'T GET UP

BUT! it can get repetitive and boring when people just say thing without the facts, just like all those people who back in 2009 when the volcanic ash was settling on baby's lungs, some people thorght it was more of a trending social exprerance or a consperacy, oh, i'm stuck i can't make it to the barbecue because that DARN volcanic ash, bullshit at least 40% of that was complete left overs from the colons of anal tards (get it, anal, colon, tards, childish yes!) those guys were just lazy and wanted to tweet something that was trending, still, i don't want my blog to be full negative remarks about the default arranged marriage that is 'Clegameron' forgetting the main reason why people are ranting and raving about the laurel and hardy duo, and then update my facebook page saying: David Cameron is not fit for number 10 because he's a stupid and then go to bed feeling like 'MR SEX' while people read my update and say yeah, it's so true LOL :-)

SO HOW'S BOUT NEGATIVE REMARKS TIMES TEN ABOUT ALL POLITICIANS
MY NEW SECTION IS THE GUY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING POLTICS

THE RAIN COMES FROM THE SKY:
says Boris (above) with Ulrika Jonsson

and this time i am focusing on the 2012 mayoral elections

There has been blood, sweat and tears (dry eyes ken) this 2012 mayoral elections proberly because whoever wins will be fronting the city during the Olympics in july or because boris

really, really wants to continue playing with his scalectric track aka the streets of london and now ken wants his turn,

first things first, i am a labour man, so i will try not to be quintessentially biast in what i say

Second, Boris is a Torrie, making him the lilac to a wannabe tyrant 

and third, i would make it my top priority that the London mayor and police commissioner come together so criminals don't stand a chance says the porcelain egg / mad men wannabe Brian Paddick, the lib dem who's promises change in policy even though it the same policies that Lib Dem Cleggy-boy set up

NICK GRIFFIN JUST BENT DOWN (a horrified paddick and clegg, above)

and finally fourth, there is much i need to say about the BNP beacuse thanks to a reavilling documentary on Channel Four last march by Keith Allen (thanks, dude) there isn't much to say except for this :

an extract from the London Elect magazine that was sent out around two weeks ago to everyone in London

Dear Londoner (good start?)

i've lived in the uk since 1989 (ok) i have worked with the bbc and commonwealth office (that's cool)
i am of italian decent, i guess makes me the most cosmopolitan candidate standing for london mayor in 2012 (.....o..k) i was outraged to find some immigrant communities (okay, watch it now) refusing to respect British people and there way of life so i joined the bnp because i want to preserve the traditions, freedoms and identity of the country that has been so good to me and my family (preserve the traditions? identity? bit dodgy, considering that he's technically a immigrant to this country) London is a diverse city and although there are some benefits (here come the bomb) Multiculturalism has clearly led to division and confrontation instead of integration. the shocking looting and rioting last august is a prime example for the failed policy (WHOA! that's a classic BNP Line, blame the Blacks, Muslims, Asians, Turks) 

London needs a strong mayor, who is (you guessed it) Fair...(the word has lost all meaning) and decisive with the vision to make the great city of ours dynamic and safe and prosperous I AM THAT MAN! (bullshit) Vote for me and together we will make london a city to be proud of again (by kicking out the colored folk hu?)

Carlos Cortiglia, BNP Mayoral Candidate, Italian Clone Of Nick Griffin

To this Racist, pasta eating plonker (i can be racist too) multiculturalism was the key issue of 2011's Riots and not the shooting of Mark Duggen by police (non immigrant) or the fact that some people chanced the situation to grab a i-phone including non immigrant folk, no! it's was the colored dudes

Sponsored By Dolmio Sauces, when's your dolmio day (Carlos, above)

anyway back on point!
there has been severe compertion between boris and ken, appearing on ITV Debate shows, question time and other various news show but the most intence one would have to be on LBC RADIO when ken wound boris up the boiling point of F-Bombs by when a caller phoned in a radio debate between the four elects, talking about Ken has found a legit way of income tax avodance, ken stated that boris also avoids tax by paying a privite company leaving boris red-faced and wanting to punch a hole in the wall,

he's making me angry, he's not gonna like me when i'm angry

later on as the four and chief of LBC radio headed to a elevator to go to a photoshoot on the roof, boris said : YOU FUCKING LIAR, STOP FUCKING LYING, nose to nose, any closer and they would become one

Add caption

Paddick and Jones were said to of been back into a corner during the confrontation
then follows the highly uncomfortable photos that followed:

Before Radio Debate (above)

After Radio Debate (above and below and far below)

Blowing off some steam (Boris doing a Forrest Gump with anger)

IT REALLY DOES SHOW HOW MUCH THEY HATE EACH OTHER

don't let this affect you when you vote, actually, do let it affect you, i wanted to show you the children of our monarchy who some how gain power (of sorts)

it's now may 3rd and these are the smucks we have to vote for

Happy Voting!

SEE YA!
The Guy

VOTE 2012 on BBC
The Daily Politics 11:30am or 12 noon  BBC TWO
Vote 2012 11:30pm on BBC ONE AND BBC NEWS 24

TO BE CONTINUED......

My Movie Review

Okay, first things first, i might make a separate blog for this section, because i could end up reviewing movies only and not other things like a dead eyed thug or killer food on my current blog, second i do declare that i am in the directing business and third i am a movie buff, so bare with the fact that i could ramble on about movies for hours (but not in a geeky way, i don't point out film mistakes) i can also tell you that, in my eyes, most of the best films that i have seen so far, have all come from Christopher Nolan...

did i leave the oven on? Nolan (above)

I E, Batman Begins, Memento, The Dark Knight, Inception, The Prestige even Insomnia (Not The Stephen King one) so the fact that he and fellow Batman veteran David S. Goyer (Blade, The Dark Knight, FlashForward Ghost Rider) his brother Johnathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Memento, Insomnia) and with him stepping away from the directing chair, Zach Snyder (300, Watchmen, Sucker Punch) have all teamed up for another DC Comic realistic revamp after The Caped Crusader wears his cape for the last time (in my eyes anyway, seeing as there might already be a reboot) and the fact that it's Superman that's been given the Dark treatment by the four directors and Producer / Nolan's Wife Emma Thomas, has me giving birth to a super-powered egg

Superman - Man of Steel (2013)

I forgot my Credit Card on Krypton, so i improvised (Carvill as Superman)

Dir - Zach Snyder
Story - Chris Nolan, David Goyer, John Nolan
Cast - Henry Carvill, Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburn, Kevin Costner & Diane Lane


Man of Steel is just around the corner with the release date as June 14 2013 and a budget of around $175 million dollars, this is going to be special

with a vast cast like this
Henry Carvill (Immortals) taking the red cape from Brandon Routh
(seems the tables have turned Mr.Routh),
Oscar-Nominated Amy Adams (Night at The Museum 2, Junebug and Judd Apatow's Talladega Nights) chosen from a shortlist containing Mila Kunis and Olivia Wilde to play Louis Lane,
Oscar-Winner Russell Crow (Gladiator, American Gangster) is playing his Dad,
Oscar-Winner Laurence Fishburn (The Matrix, Boys N The Hood) as Perry White, Editor in Chief of the daily planet newspaper (The first black guy to play Perry White),
Kevin Costner (JFK) and Diane Lane (Judge Dread) playing his adoptive parents
and Michael Shannon (Boardwalk Empire) as the villain General Zod,

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me

and Telling from the screen shots like the one above, (that makes one feel inadequate) the new suit looks suitable for even more rough and tumble (no pun intended) and the plot summery like this with more info coming around Christmas time :

"In the pantheon of superheroes, Superman is the most recognised and revered character of all time. Clark Kent/Kal-El (Cavill) is a young twenty something journalist who feels alienated by powers beyond anyone's imagination. Transported to Earth years ago from Krypton, an advanced alien planet, Clark struggles with the ultimate question - Why am I here? Shaped by the values of his adoptive parents Martha (Lane) and Jonathan Kent (Costner), Clark soon discovers that having super abilities means making very difficult decisions. But when the world needs stability the most, it comes under attack. Will his abilities be used to maintain peace or ultimately used to divide and conquer? Clark must become the hero known as "Superman," not only to shine as the world's last beacon of hope but to protect the ones he loves."

Thanks to Warner brother for the well needed information that i could have thought of myself.

It may be a similar plot to the first one in 1979 but it could be done better with great nepotism (Chris & John) and with Zach (300) Snyder in the directing chair along with his epic directional camerawork  

watch this space Michael Bay, watch it hard (Snyder, Above)

i can't wait for this movie to be released to tend to the deep hole left with the Batman trilogy's departure,

Give Me A Hug
Chris Nolan and Aaron Eckhart  on the Set of
The Dark Knight in 2008 

so bring on the man of steel i say, it's going to be well wicked! also i would put more information up, but Christopher Nolan loves his secrets so were gonna have to wait till June 2013,
but don't get mad because Mr. Nolan's methods seem to work just fine with his two Oscar Winning Films (Inception, The Dark Knight) and with him being tagged as the modern day Hitchcock! and even speculation that he's heading the follow up Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. YOU HEARD ME, BLADE RUNNER 2!

I'm walking away, In sad, dramatic fasion

See Ya
The Guy

Man of Steel 

is Released Worldwide on June 14th 2013

Rated (12 UK) (PG-13 US) 

(C) Warner Bros / DC Comics / Syncopy / Legendary Pictures 2012 and 2013

My Next Preview : The Bourne Legacy

The Music Guy

This song summed up my 2011, full of unorthodox situations! luv it

The Guy's Telly Highlights

I was sat in front of my TV today eating cold chill con carnie, drinking tea in my pj's watching the latest import from the USA,

Homeland (2011)
starring Clare Danes & Damian Lewis

Intimidating Much? Lewis and Danes (above)

From episode one, i was hooked, even continuing the showtime channels tradition of constant sex, f-words and violence (see Dexter and Calafornacation) it's still manages to be well scripted and gripping in each episode, earning the show 2 well deserved Golden Globes

the intriguing and suspenseful story, in a nutshell is centered around Marine Sergeant Nicholas Brody (played by Brit Damian Lewis), who returns home eight years after going missing in Iraq and Carrie Mathison (played by Clare Danes), a driven (and possibly unstable) CIA officer who suspects he might be plotting an attack on America.

Absolutely brilliant stuff from the US, a original story line (not like CBS's version of Sherlock that's coming) and a handful of believable actors and actress, makes this a great, entertaining bit of telly, just don't watch it with your grandma. (advice: set the sky+ box or kick her out) 

Homeland

9:00pm Sunday's On Channel Four and on 4od

Repeated on Monday at around 11:10pm

(c) 2012 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp and Showtime Entertainment

The Guy's Tales of Crime and Punishment

Okay, so here i am again, with a head full of ideas, a delightful persona and photo editing software, i think it's time to start a new section of my slightly offencive blog, (according to a certain person on twitter, DR. JON) my new section involves the seedy and dangerous side of life aka Crime! while the police attempt to clean up the streets (as much as they can to give a good impression at the 2012 Olympic games) there's always some other Muppet trying to break the barriers of crime and end up with nothing more then a epic fail! this section is a colourful showcase of some of the ludicrous tales from both end, IT'S COPS VS ROBBERS, AND IT ISN'T GONNA BE PRETTY! i call this section : THE GUY'S TALES OF CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

CONTAINS ACTION VIOLENCE AND NUDITY

(DISCLAIMER : IT DOES NOT CONTAINS ACTION VIOLENCE (MAYBE?) OR NUDITY (MAYBE?) BUT IT DOES HAVE STRONG LANGUAGE)


Okay our first story takes us to a wonderful land of make believe and a place where dreams can really come true. Peckham, South London

where a 23 year old man named Andrew Burls, was charged with arson and sentenced to 8 years imprisonment for burning down a Lingerie boutique in Rye Lane (cops love there bra's) which spreaded to Gregg's bakery (bite your tongue, Britain) and a post office in the same street, during riots that spread across the capital last year

feeling, hot, hot, hot!

costing 1 million pounds in damages and leaving six people homeless, sounds pretty fucked up right, what could possibly be funny there you must be thinking? well...
Q : How did the cops catch him? A: through CCTV footage
Q : and how did they get just cause that it was Andrew?
A : well.. look into his eyes!

Now that's what i mean by a botched eye surgery

This cabbage may have covered his face with a bandanna, but his distinctive dead eye condition gave him away,

DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Originally denying the offence, he was jailed for a total of eight years at Inner London Crown Court after pleading guilty on January 30 to two counts of arson being reckless as to whether life was endangered, and one of burglary with intent to steal at Iceland in Rye Lane (an Iceland, you know? not even the god damn Co-Op, he chose a Iceland), a court official confirmed.

Burls’ attack began at the Iceland at around 6.30pm, moving on to the Post Office and Regen’s,.

The supervisor and staff were in the shop and locked themselves in a back office, where they watched on CCTV the masked twit throwing bricks at the building. The manager estimated losses of £1,400.

Burls then stopped to take a breather, (didn't he see that film Enemy of the State) outside Maestro Records Shop, where he was identified  sitting on a vehicle bonnet in Rye Lane.

Then he is seen in Money Shop at around 6.55pm, leaving seven minutes later for the Post Office.

Footage from there show the door had been forced open and Burls returning with burning material, which he used to start a fire on the floor which he feeds with leaflets and other papers (well, at least he's not wasteful)
Acting manager Isobel Martin said there was £55,000 of damage.

Next door, Gregg's, which suffered £400,000 damage was ‘engulfed in fire’ (like i said before, Dry eye's Britain) which spread from Regen’s.

Tom Forster, prosecuting, told Judge Roger Chapple at Inner London Crown Court: ‘What's important about that image is that his eyes appear distinctive in that they appear to look in different directions (no shit, Sherlock)

‘If My Lord was to compare that with a photograph of Mr Burls himself when he was arrested, My Lord can see the distinctive eyes, and the direction in which they point in the photograph’ (which way were they point at, left or right)

Judge Chapple told the defendant, who was wearing two plastic crucifixes (god ain't gonna help) over a grey sweatshirt: ‘When you add fire to an already appalling situation you add a while new and altogether terrifying dimension (yeah, i know, what do you think he's really looking at)

(Source : Dailymail.co.uk)

well, i hope he knows some kind of karate because we don't want a Shawshank Redemption moment to happen! plus if he does try to fight, he'll either look funny or look like he has Torrets

the next story will be on the Gary Busey section of my blog : The Guy's Stories of the Strange and Wacky and it will be a short about a burglar and a little Chinese kid

till then, stay safe and don't steal (like that's going to stop you)

See Ya!

The Guy!

"The Avengers" movie hits theaters on May 4, 2012.

The Avengers continues the epic big-screen adventures started in "Iron Man," "The Incredible Hulk," "Iron Man 2," "Thor" and "Captain America: The First Avenger". Starring Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner and Samuel L. Jackson, and directed by Joss Whedon, "Marvel's The Avengers" is based on the popular Marvel comic book series first published in 1963

Looks good right! even though Edward Norton isn't here and Jeremy Renner. what is the connection?